More and more I get asked about my past, and my experiences - at least three people now. So I thought I'd share the first couple of pages from the diaries that managed to survive the massive clear out I had when I had my first epiphany (that's another story for another time)! And rather marvelously the first diary starts with my Reiki Level I attunement, angels, crystals and a whole load of energy shifts and insights. For those of you embarking on this journey yourself, I hope it gives you a little insight as to what may occur.
I have always kept a diary or a journal. From ‘My Secret Diary’ as a child - the ones that locked, with a tiny key that I would always lose, to increasingly detailed and harrowing outpourings. In 2000, as we entered the millennium, I embarked on a path of change and I burned all my old diaries, photographs and letters (to the best of my knowledge). Of course, I now wish I could read them.
But I wanted to move myself out of the spiral of despair I had become entrenched in, and into one of hope. Although I was already a couple of years into this change of direction, my diaries begin in 2004, when I had just started teaching yoga that January, and in February had my Reiki Level 1 Attunement…..
Alston Hall, Lancashire, Monday night, 9th February, 2004.
And I am attuned.
Before the attunement I walked in the gardens and found two small, white feathers, one on the ground in the woodland which I have placed with my crystals, the other on a red berry bush outside the conservatory, where it remains. The third is at home – I found it on the bedroom floor on Sunday afternoon – which seems so much longer than a day away. The attunement was a very emotional experience for me. As soon as I could I ran out into the woods and hugged a tree, sobbing for the whole of the lunch break. I look at my body and it is not me. I am aware of how violently I treat it, all over again. Colours have been bright here, and I have experienced the energy both radiating into, and through, and out of me. I am starting to very much prefer the world with my eyes closed. And I am singing, singing, singing….
Tuesday 17th February 2004.
There is such a lot going on in my life at present that days do not exist for me in the way that they used to. Maybe as I shift my consciousness time is also shifting around me to accommodate the movement. A number of significant events have occurred this month: Reiki Level I attunement; attending a Godfrey Devereux yoga workshop; having an aura photo taken. Being true to myself, following my own path, standing in my own light – these I think are the key messages, and the more I change my lifestyle to fit my consciousness, well then I hope my ears will become unblocked[1] – that I will open my heart and listen to the universe – and ultimately find my role in it for as long as I am here. Sometimes it’s hard to know right from wrong on this emerging path as I have a lot of letting go to do, but focusing on yoga, massage and most of all, singing, help me to identify what is unnecessary. My biggest hurdle still remains – living within my means. My debts are a physical manifestation of all that has been, and still is wrong with my life. If I continue to look outwards I will not get to where I think I am going. But I am reading, writing and singing again and for this I am so thankful. What happens to a soul when it is suffocated by the despairing will of mind and body, I know. The trick to life, setting the soul free irrespective of your physical surroundings – I admire the strength, the sense, the insight and wisdom of the people of this earth who can do that. I am still learning.
[1] For years I had felt that me ears were blocked – and still do to some extent, even as I write this on 20th February 2019! Sometimes they pop – during mantra, breathing practice, energy work – and the world gets a lot louder. I don’t mind them being a bit muffled anymore – this does not prevent me from tuning in to the etheric world.
Tuesday 24th February 2004
Off to see Angela, the Angel Lady again tomorrow – she has advised me to stop any energy work and will explain more tomorrow. Sue put me in touch with Angela. I meet up irregularly with Sue on yoga workshops and recently she told me she’d been learning how to speak to the Angels. Of course I want to do that too. The Angel Lady lives in Cleveleys so I made the appointment for my lunch break from the office. What a ridiculous idea that was!
Angela’s husband answered the door to me and guided me into the back sitting room where Angela occupied a voluptuous flowery armchair. I sat on a wooden dining chair opposite her. Angela guided me in a short meditation and then told me there were angels all around me, speaking to me – she had given me some paper and a pen and now told me to write down what the angels were saying. Talk about being put on the spot - I couldn’t hear a thing and I was so uncomfortable. Fortunately the time flew. I pushed a bunch of cash into her hands and fled from her home, thinking to never see her again, and returned to the office feeling like an utter failure in the angelic connection department on top of everything else.
That wasn’t the end of the story though for Angela tracked me down. A couple of weeks later I received a phone call from her. She said she’d been trying to find me as she had discovered 6 disincarnate energies living in my energy field – one was a drunk old man, another a prostitute and I forget who the other four where. This, Angela proclaimed, was why I couldn’t hear the angels. She had remotely cleansed my home but needed me to go and see her in person for an auric cleansing, and meanwhile not to carry out any energy work on other people.
To be honest, I am a bit disturbed but if I can’t hear angels myself then I am grateful for the help of others. So on the eve of my cleansing I thought I’d do a further angel reading (I don’t know if drinking wine impairs the process but suspect it might – at least the old drunk in my energy field will take some pleasure in my indulgence). At this stage of my life, I have the most complicated deck of angel cards in existence. Not for me the Doreen Virtue three card spread. No. I like the 16 card layout as described in Angela McGeers Harmony Angel Cards. Tonight I settle for a four card reading: Haniel Angel Ruler of Friday, Venus and the Emerald and Magenta Rays; Zuriel Zodiac Angel of Libra; Hermes Trimegistos Angel of Spiritual Alchemy The Master Card of Secrets, Wisdom and Power; The Eight Roads to Heaven. Somehow this soothes me. There are answers in there somewhere and after my cleansing maybe I’ll be able to understand them.
Saturday 28th February 2004
So, on Wednesday night I was cleansed and am now on an eight week recuperation programme – no energy work. This is quite difficult as Antaneea, crystals and reiki have become a very enjoyable part of my life. Fortunately, I still have yoga and numerous other things – like reading and writing up my Antaneea case studies – to put my efforts into over the next eight weeks.
Sunday 29th February 2004
Was supposed to attend 3 hours of Ashtanga yoga this morning – I stayed in bed and feel the better for it. I have felt very tired since Wednesday and have decided, as far as I can, to obey my bodily needs during the next eight week energy fast. The past couple of nights, and again this morning, lying in bed I have been aware of what I can only describe as waves of shivers going up and down my back. I am also aware of other pains and twitches in my limbs and a crawling sensation in my skull – this morning I experienced my heartbeat in my eyes and when I lay on my side with my shoulders hunched, experienced my heartbeat as a massive BANG BANG which quietened as I opened my chest and dropped my shoulders. I also saw things – my usual lovely pulsating violet circle which became a sheet of violet light, lots of green round peas (which I think mean I need to eat them) and a beautiful burst of white, five pointed stars with turquoise and violet outlines. My mind just kicked in then and sent me off on a little splurge of activity – yoga class register, staring lunch…
I woke up to the fact that there are always things to be doing several years ago, at which point I had no love, experienced no joy in any of my doings. I spent a couple of years avoiding the pain by remaining in a pot haze and avoiding all but the essential household chores. But there came a point where I had to rejoin the land of the clear-headed and I have spent the last couple of years building things into my life that do give me pleasure, that feed my soul – yoga (learning and more recently teaching), song writing and learning to play the guitar with a bit more grace – I hope, massage, antaneea, crystals and energy work. But still doing. This weekend I realise I need more time for introspection – to clear away past and future and live in the present.
My dreams were not as unsettling last night (I have been having such vivid and disturbing dreams I was somewhat apprehensive of going to bed), they involved me in a couple of different scenarios, seeking food in a pub and at a festival. Food/eating has been a massive issue all my life and something I need to let go of. Pubs and festivals used to feature heavily in my life but not anymore. I am keeping a food diary to help change my binge eating habits and it’s going quite well. But last week I found myself wanting to eat huge portions which left me uncomfortably full. I have never wanted for food and have abused it to feed my addictions, my emptiness, so I do not know what a normal eating habit would be. I love cooking healthy veggie meals and occasionally sharing them with the new people that have been coming into my life over the past few months. I always felt that if I got it right then I’d have the perfect body, except my body has suffered years of abuse and may not be able to retain what would have been its potential perfectness. To live in each second though, would remove all of this thinking. And now – crystal cleansing and soup making.
Later: I have just buried 2 channelling crystals and an amethyst bed, a bag of crystal jewellery, a dowser and 101 assorted crystals in a compost bin in the back yard. I didn’t know I had so many.
And that's where I'll leave 2004 Jayne for now. 2019 Jayne had 23 crystals on her bedside table alone!
Goodnight.